Personal · Recovery · Thoughts

Thinking Out Loud – In It To Gain It

Good morning sweet people!  I have a personal post to share with you all today.  As many of you know, I am recovering from an eating disorder.  A nasty, ugly disease.  For this Thursday’s Thinking Out Loud (hosted by Amanda) I need to express something that is on my heart and mind.

College is right around the corner and I cannot be more excited.  I have eagerly awaited for this day since elementary school (no joke).  There is one huge obstacle that is in my way.  ED.  

I have finally come to terms that currently I am not at a healthy weight.  I feel like I am huge.  I feel like I shouldn’t gain any weight.  I feel out of control.  However, feeling is not fact.  My beautiful counselor has been ingraining this in my brain since before I started recovery.  And you know what?  It’s true, and I need to be constantly repeating that in my head.

I want to be in a healthy mindset for college as well as in a healthy weight range.  In order to prosper as much as I can at university, I need to heal.  Heal by gaining weight and by breaking ED’s rules.  It isn’t going to be fun or easy, and for that I am petrified.

I can already feel the weight of the unnecessary guilt and shame on my shoulders.  With everything that I do, I need to remember that it is the Lord that gives me strength.  Philippians 4:13 states that “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.”  Jesus has made us new and He gives us the tools and abilities to conquer anything.  I take comfort in knowing that my Savior is going to be with me each step of the way.

Philippians 413

 

In order to accomplish my goal and conquer ED, I need to constantly pray and remind myself that eating is not something to be “earned” nor do I need a specific reason to eat.  To fuel yourself is to give yourself the chance to live and do what you are made to do.  

I’m in it to gain it.  Not only am I gaining weight, but I’ll be gaining a future, a life, trust, comfort, healthfulness, and so many other wonderful things.  

Now, if you will please excuse me, I have a delicious Blizzard to devour.  No, ED, you are not invited.

Questions for You

  • Have you ever had something standing in the way of your goals?
  • What are you up to this fine Thursday?

Very much love,

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18 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud – In It To Gain It

  1. I suffered with an ED through most of college, and I can definitely say that it made things a lot harder than they should have been, so I think it’s awesome that you want to nip this thing in the bud before embarking on that part of your life. I know it’s terrifying, and it’s hard to imagine that life could be enjoyable when you’re at a healthy weight, but I promise you — it only gets better. Of course it comes with plenty of discomfort in the beginning, but focus on all of the amazing things that you get from it — the energy, the happiness, the freedom. Those things are worth the fight 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for your sweet and very thoughtful comment. I definitely needed the reminder that I am fighting towards something long-term- happiness, freedom, and energy. Hearing that from someone in a healthy place means a ton! ♡

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  2. Best of luck to you in your recovery! I can relate a lot, especially when you say, “However, feeling is not fact.” That is something I need to remind myself on rough days. We feel certain ways, but recovery is not letting those feelings run our actions. College is a rough transition (that’s when I experienced my ED). I think by having such a great mindset like in this post though, you can truly recover and thrive. Best wishes.

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  3. Totally agreed with your counselor. Feeling is NOT fact. You’re a really beautiful, encouraging young woman in whom I see the light of Christ. Keep shining that and shutting out the lies of the world.

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  4. Alison, do NOT go to college in a poor mindset. I would have died had I not kicked myself into gear the summer before attending to college. I strongly urge against you going to university in the fall if you are not 100% confident you can handle ALL meals without supervision. I know this does not sound feasible in the slightest, but it might be in your best interest to take a year off and go to college in a year. What’s a year in the grand scheme of things when you are saving your life? College will swallow you whole if you are not mentally prepared for everything that comes along with it. I am sorry, I know this is a very dark comment, but from following along with your journey for a while now, I am hesitant to encourage you to go to college. I pray that you truly make the most of this summer and kick your recovery into full gear.

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    1. Julia, I understand your concern. Believe me, I have been thinking about my options of my future since I started recovery. I have been doing very well with my meals, reframing negative thoughts, so on and so forth. My blog and Instagram does not show my recovery 24/7, and that’s okay. I have a counselor and a supportive mother walking with me through this journey with me and are monitoring my health very closely. I am fully aware of the dangers that lie ahead in college, but I am determined to gain as much strength before college as possible. Thank you for your advice and perspective. I am so glad that you were able to thrive in your first year of college!

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  5. This is beautiful, Alison. I can tell you that making the effort to recover allows college to be such an enriching, joyful experience. There is no doubt that there will be trials and hard days at college still, but persist in pushing through those feelings of guilt and shame. You’re so right— feelings aren’t the truth in an ED. I believe in you wholeheartedly, and I’m praying for you ♥

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  6. I have suffered from some of the same problems that you have, and the only person in the way of my freedom was myself. I needed to be the one to put my food fears and restrictive mindset behind in order to thrive and take on the world. I know you can do it. Always feeling like the food you eat has to be earned is something I used to struggle with too, until I realized I needed to let go of these thoughts in order to finally live life. In order to go out with friends, spend time with family, create relationships, move your body, and just FEEL good with need fuel, and tons of it! I believe in you Alison :).

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  7. I have to agree with Julia on this one. I went to college for 3 years battling my ED and it was horrible; the worst decision I could have made. I figured that I would go and start fresh and my old habits would just disappear but in fact that got stronger. No one knew about my past so what they saw was that I was the naturally skinny girl who ate healthy.. which was far from the truth. I believe in you and I know that you can kick this disorder in the butt over the course of this summer. Use college as a motivation to push even harder ❤

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  8. I LOVE how all the girls on here have such love for you Alison! 🙂 I ❤ you too friend, and I will be praying for you, that you can CONQUER this lion by the strength of Jesus, and that you will be ready to go to college when the time comes, but if you aren't, don't be afraid to put it off another year, in interest of taking care of your temple. 🙂 ❤ ya sweet girl. You can always email me with a prayer request.

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